Donations Appreciated!

Tales from the Crypt Recap #5 ”Lover Come Hack to Me”

Tales from the Crypt: Season 1 – Episode 5
”Lover Come Hack to Me” (First aired: June 21, 1989)

On their way to a hotel to celebrate their honeymoon, a couple ends up stranded at a mysterious house after a tree blocks their path on the road. If that’s not bad enough, the groom loses his car keys while trying to move the tree – despite having a flashlight and not going more than 20 feet from the car. Yeah…

Thoughts
All I could think after watching this episode was, “Oh, my…” I couldn’t believe what I just watched. This one was bad – worst of the season by far. This is one of those episodes where literally nothing happens until the last five minutes of the show, and then the twist is so ridiculous, you are just mad when it is all over. I could just end the review right here, but I am obligated to write a recap of at least 1,000 words, so let’s get this misery out of the way.

Let’s start with the hacky, awful plot of the episode. A sleazeball marries a less than attractive (by the show’s standards; I, for one, find Amanda Plummer adorable in this) woman for her money and plans to kill her on their honeymoon (with the wonderful excuse that a burglar did it because that’ll hold up in court). When he sees her in a sexy outfit, he changes his mind. Lesson for today: no matter how annoying you find a girl or

how unappealing her appearance is, she’s a keeper as long as she looks good with make-up and has money. This plot has been done to death, even in 1989, and you can pretty much predict every twist and turn coming a mile away.

It can be forgiven if it’s at least entertaining to watch, but, alas, it is not. This is a really boring episode with zero in the way of character development (despite being the longest thus far in the season) and a long, drawn-out pace that makes you want to fast forward to the end just to see what happens. Even the sex scenes in the show are boring as hell; the sex scenes in The Room were more arousing than this. I guess it can be argued that they weren’t supposed to be arousing, but damn, you weren’t trying to be funny throughout the entire episode (or, if you were, you failed miserably), and you start there?

There are also plot holes en masse here. The electricity in this abandoned house doesn’t work, but the plumbing is fine. The walls are a complete wreck, yet the fireplace remains intact. None of this is explained well, if at all. There is a possibility that it was all a setup, but it doesn’t explain the storm, the tree blocking the road, or the other things I don’t want to say here since I don’t want to spoil anything. I’ll just say this: Peggy really needs to go back to basic Sex Ed.

There really isn’t much in the way of redeeming quality in this episode. I guess being a guy, I can say that Amanda Plummer has very sexy legs (Unfortunately, that is all you see) and an adorable little voice, but it can’t save this disaster of an episode. Skip this one, and go right to the season finale.

1/10

Cryptkeeper Segment
Yep, another typical one. Cryptkeeper hits a piece of meat with a cleaver and tells us his story. Then, he just laughs at the end about how he is a skeleton. Even the Keeper seems out of it for this one.

Punny Goodness
Look at the title of the episode!!!

Blood and Gore
Ah, this is where the episode shines! We get lots of blood from axe shots to the body, and I mean LOTS of blood. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen until the final few minutes of the episode, and since there are countless other episodes with large amounts of the red stuff that are better, I still say skip this one.

Obligatory Nudity
Stephen Shellen, who plays the husband, Charles, is kind enough to spend the majority of the episode completely naked. So, for all you ladies out there jealous of the T&A in previous and later episodes, this is the episode for you. Amanda Plummer shows her cute little legs but keeps the top on. What a shame…

Scare Factor
Non-existent. If this one scares you, you may want to stop watching this series because it only gets worse from here.

Other Interesting Tidbits
It’s hard to believe that the same guy who directed Child’s Play and Fright Night (Tom Holland) directed this episode. That surprises me. The guy also directed Stephen King’s The Langoliers. That doesn’t surprise me.

Amanda Plummer, if you couldn’t guess, is the daughter of legendary actor Christopher Plummer. While she didn’t get her father’s abilities as an actor, she is tolerable. However, Quentin Tarantino did find she had talent and put her in his magnum opus, Pulp Fiction. And yes, I thought she was very cute when she was younger.

I’m not too familiar with Stephen Shellen, but one thing is certain: Tom Holland seems to really love his ass.

Richard Eden has a cameo in this episode as another shirtless guy having sex. He also played Robocop in the TV Series…well, Robocop. I’ve never seen it personally, but after Robocop 2 (which I despised and still get shit from people for hating), I tended to stay away from anything involving Robocop for fear of having my memory of the original crushed (No, I am not looking forward to the reboot, remake, raping of the film).

Last Words
Whereas “Only Sin Deep” was predictable but enjoyable, “Lover Come Hack to Me” was as boring as it gets. There are no redeeming qualities to this episode unless you like a heavy dose of shirtless men and shaved ass. As a straight male, though, I think I’m going to go back and watch “The Man Who Was Death” again to help get rid of the visuals this one has tainted (pun fully intended) me with.

Next Writing: Collection Completed

7 Responses to “Tales from the Crypt Recap #5 ”Lover Come Hack to Me””

  • I look at the porch in the first picture and I can’t help but think… Isn’t that Buffy Summers house?

    • Keith:

      I took a look and it doesn’t appear to be. The bricks are a different shade and the front yard is much different. Very similar though so I can see the confusion.

  • Keith:

    If for whatever reason you want to subject yourself to this torture…here is this weeks episode

    http://youtu.be/Asp1_HILd7E

  • Cristiona:

    “I could just end the review right here, but I am obligated to write a recap of at least 1,000 words…”

    I always figured Cecil was secretly a cruel taskmaster. I bet you have to wash his car, too.

    • Keith:

      The things he subjects me to are things no man should ever speak of…I’m gonna have PTSD by the time this is over. 😛

      In all seriousness, the irony of that joke/bold statement is up until that point I have yet to write a review that was over 1000 words. Since this one was written I have gotten much better at making sure the recaps are over 1000 words (mostly by re-writing the “Other Interesting Tidbits” to talking more about the Actors than the episode since I discovered finding facts about each episode itself was much harder than expected). If anyone is interested, I am up to The Sacrifice as far as writings with still a ways to go in the series (and am enjoying every second of this, good and bad).

    • Cecil:

      He (as he said) was the one who instituted the 1000 word rule.

      The only torture I’ve ever applied to him was by repeat viewings of a little film called Fungicide. If you thought Birdemic had bad SFX, wait until you see grown men wearing painted shower curtains and acting like giant mushrooms.

Leave a Reply